Innocents Lost

Fear, anxiety, ADHD, stress, hyperactivity, blah, blah, blah...

We are a society of excuses, with little to no accountability.  (this is not going to be a very "touchy-feely" blog today, so I will apologize in advance for my editorial)

Recently I was shopping at Sam's.  This is a routine now with the business up and running and improving  each year.  My visits are organized and like most who shop consistently to stock their inventory, I know where I am going and what I need and do not want to be slowed down.  Patience has always been a challenge and Sam's has been the best medicine.  This story, however, is not about patience.  It is about accountability and confrontation, two areas our country has decided to forego in lieu of media coverage and popularity.

As I rolled around with my flatbed full of supplies for the coming week, aimed at the "Flatbed Only" line as identified by a large sign, I found myself behind a gentleman with a basket, carrying two gallons of milk, two loaves of bread and a book.  He was waiting patiently behind a woman checking out her supplies on a flatbed.  As is the case in most "wait in line" moments, he turned and made eye contact, smiling and looking at the full flatbed I was leaning on and the full flatbed behind me.  I guess he felt the effort of saying, "I'm sorry, I did not realize what line this was," might ease whatever tensions may have been brewing.  It actually brought the opposite reaction.

My reaction was like that of a person leaping into the closing elevator door that someone fails to keep open, but this time, instead of a glare with silent indignation, I told my fellow human what I believed to be true..."What are you sorry for?  Being inconsiderate?  Being illiterate? Or being so oblivious to your own selfish nature, you actually believe we think you're sorry?"  He was taken aback by the unexpected reaction to his being a jackass, then angry.  "You cannot talk to me this way!  It is disrespectful and people should not talk to each other that way!"  I responded by saying, "Apparently, like the "Flatbed Only" sign, that is only a suggestion."  I continued, "if you are going to make your own rules, be prepared for the consequences of your decisions."  At this point a manager I knew from my frequent visits interceded and said she would check me out at the next lane.  As she scanned the items she made it clear I should not blame other customers for having to wait in line.  Everyone has to wait.  At this point it became clear what I should do.  What the right thing to say would be...

"I am not angry at him for my need to wait, in fact, I am not angry at him at all.  I do not know him well enough to like or dislike him.  My comments to him were simply a direct response to what was a completely BS comment.  His inability to accept criticism of his poor choice is his problem, not mine. The fact the incident even occurred is not just his fault, it's yours.  If you are going to identify a lane as "Flatbed Only" and fail to enforce the designation, then take the sign down.  Otherwise, you are simply feeding the self-centered actions and eventually, the conflict of customers."

Needless to say, not my best moment, but after today, I am strengthened in my belief we are opting for the easy way out versus dealing with the issues that bother us.  People don't speak up for themselves, either out of fear of retribution, or being held accountable for what they say.  We have young people that cannot stand up for themselves and are bullied.  If I am a student in a public school and defend myself from a known bully, I will be taken away in handcuffs, put in a modified school for at least a week and now I have an issue.  Why would I stand up for myself?  Not only do I take a beating (no one fights without getting banged up) but now I am punished for doing what comes naturally in defending myself.  Confrontation is now a sit-down with Dr. Phil, or some other know-it-all, self-prescribed expert where we determine it's time to "get real".  Here's a little advice on getting real; if someone is being a jackass, tell them they are being a jackass.  If someone is doing something you agree with, tell them.  Even if by supporting them you find others do not agree.  Independence is a two-edged sword.  We want to be free to make decisions, but no one wants the weight of accountability.  Politicians run for office to be leaders, but waffle back and forth, and are manipulated by greed to keep the position.  What has the government really done for us in the past twenty years?  Republican, Democrat, it doesn't matter, they're all businessmen looking for a nice job, with good pay and benefits.  Just like the executives at a large financial institution, say like Wells Fargo, there is no concern for the customer (voters), only a need to run the budget and get the bonus.  Who challenges these people?  No one, because through legislation we are neutering those who should be able to make change.

My uncle used to say of fighting between friends and family, "You don't get fire without sparks".  In life, how many sparks do we create?  How often do we challenge?  How often do you encourage a challenge to what you say or do?  How often do we listen and give honest feedback to those who need to voice their thoughts, fears, etc?

As you pass through a public space, count the heads pointed down checking texts, emails or simply playing a game.  Alone in a public space...no interaction, no conflict, no reality except what you make-up in your next post.  Dehumanizing those around you and yourself at the same time. Making eye contact is the next challenge on "The Biggest Loser".

We are a social people using an anti-social methodology.  I am blogging, but it simply a reaction to the murder of 20 school children.  Twenty innocent lives lost in the expression of a sad and lonely person who felt the only way to interact and communicate was to attack those who could not possibly defend themselves or tell him he was wrong.  (why is it people who kill don't try walking into a police station where the odds for the victims are considerably better?)  Simple suicide was not enough for him.  He needed to make a statement the same way everyone does these days.  "click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, send"  No accountability...jackass.

You are my Sunshine...

What is it about a beautiful sky that makes me stop and want to take a picture?  I am no photographer, so the image does not carry the power of the moment.  Like sitting and watching the waves while visiting the ocean, these moments of nature's awesome beauty just amaze me.  My faith tells me God puts these miracle moments in as "speed bumps" during the day to remind me not to sweat the small stuff.  Amazingly, these moments occur at the beginning and end of each day as if to say, "Do the best you can today and remember I am in control when the day ends."  What a peace this provides during the craziest of times.  Even when the world seems to spin a little too fast, the reminders are there that we are not alone to fend for ourselves.  Love is powerful, beautiful and inspiring, but most of all, Love is always there for us. Knowing this gives me the opportunity to be someone's sunrise, or sunset.  Sharing the Love is the point.  Be a sunrise for someone to help get their day started, or a sunset to remind them their efforts are not wasted.

Beloved, let us love one another. For love is from God and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.  1 John 4:7-8

Let Them Fly

As we watch the mother bird slowly nudge the baby towards the edge of the nest, the young bird flaps instinctively, preparing for the eventual sensation of freedom...

Not an unfamiliar picture, or metaphor in the raising of children, but I am aware now, more than ever, of the reality of this process.  Yes, we raise our children to be prepared for the "world out there" and pray they have listened.  At times, after a session of "you don't know me" (the timeless teenage word game we have all played) we want them to learn by fire just as we did. But we quickly recall just how much that sucked and wish we had never thought it.

This picture of the mother "pushing" the baby out of the nest is not as accurate as we interpret when we are young.  After raising children to be out on their own, it is incredibly painful to push them out and let them be on their own.  A mother carries the child for nine months with one goal, push them out.  But after the pain, the immediate need is to hold the baby close.  The eighteen year "push" is no different.  We want the kids to grow and develop, be strong and courageous, stand up for what they believe and be the people we know they can be.  When it comes time for them to be "born" into the world as adults, our first reaction is to bring them back and hold them, protect them and make sure nothing can hurt them.

It has always been funny to me how this "push and pull" system works:

We teach them to crawl, walk and drive, but don't want them to go too far.
We teach them to talk, study and stand up for what they believe, but only with other people, not us.
We give them the ability to dream and chase whatever they desire, but try to temper their spirit.

Just as we started the process of teaching when they were young, we now have to let them go and explore, developing who they will be.  Our job now is to be there for them, when they need us, not when we need them to need us.  There are blessings in all of this and the growing up is not just for the kids, but I am taken back to that mother bird and her baby...

Perhaps it is not as easy as it appears.  Maybe she is whispering the whole time; "It looks cold", "Did you remember about the places you should not perch", "You need to eat", "Don't talk to strangers", "We are here for you".

Of course the baby is not necessarily flapping its wings to stay in the nest, but rather working to fly off and experience the world they have heard so much about.  Ground be damned, predators beware, it is my turn to show others how to fly!

Science tells us most birds will nest within ear-shot of the nest they were "pushed" out of, perhaps the sounds of our childhood can be soothing at the end of a long day conquering the world.  In our technology saturated world, that closeness is easier as our birds fly away.

Our kids moving out and onward is not parenthood "retirement", but rather a responsibility we have been training for without even realizing it...

We have been in the stands, during performances and games, ready for the glance from the field...
We have been watching as the bicycle seat leaves our hands, in anticipation of the look of success...
We have been available for the tears, fears and cheers throughout.

That is my role now full time...waiting for the moment they glance back, looking for the thumbs up, encouraging and being so proud of the people they have flown on to be.

Father's Day

What a great Father's Day!  One boy in for the weekend and another taking the day off to spend at home. That song "Cat's in the Cradle" running through my mind and I am thinking, "Wow, I did a great job!"... then I woke up.  


The blessing of family is just that, a blessing.  My ability to instill a feeling of manhood and discipline to my boys is one more example of God's grace in my life.  They have grown into men who care for others, sacrifice their time, fight for what they believe is right and most of all, they have confidence and faith in the path God has put before them. Just for the record, any of those qualities I have developed over the years were not present at 20 and 17 years of age.  Nor did I have the confidence in faith for God to guide me.  Simply put, some run from God, and we see that as foolish, I tried to dig a hole to China to get away from God, so how dumb was that?


My fears, insecurities and well-rounded belief system (not sure how to type in a sarcastic tone) may have stunted the boys more than helped, unless you count the "Do Not Do This Chapter" as a valuable part of the training manual. What God has done through these guys is show me how to be a person strong in faith and committed to going where directed.  Church is not a building where judgement is the focus...helping others is not a scam and giving to the church is not a retirement plan for those who happen to be in charge.  Yes, the world is a tough place and there is evil, but what I have learned is we are here to be examples of the alternative.  Yes, I have learned.  They have taught me and in return, here are a few of the awesome lessons I have passed on to them:


* If you cannot hand me the tool I need, don't help.
* When I say "listening is important, I mean you listening to me."
* Cursing is the best way to express yourself.
* People are inherently bad and you should not trust anyone.
* Family is everything, that is why I travel for work all of the time.
* Family is important, that is why when I don't travel, I am at work.
* Sure I believe in you, I just won't let you try because I can do it better.
* I can yell louder, so I win.
* I had it tough, so you should too.


And my personal, "I will never be my Dad line..."


**Do as I say, not as I do...


Yes, God is very good!  My skill set for teaching boys to be men is the equivalent of taking a Physics class using a Wood Shop textbook. (and maybe not even that good)


Please don't misunderstand, I do not sit around on Father's Day and fret about what a poor parent I have been.  Just like the realization that my life has been saved through grace, without a thing I could do to earn it, I review the wonderful blessing of two boys that I did not deserve.  Two boys I was never equipped to raise, but through that same grace, saw the ability of God to not only raise them, but raise me in the process.  Father's Day is a very big day for me.  Not for the recognition of how "awesome" I am (more sarcasm, but you knew that) but another day of being thankful for a gift I received in love.  A gift to care for and nurture.  And while I would love to take credit for two of the best young men I know, I am simply thankful to be a part of their lives.


Good job boys, you have raised  me well!

"Be sure to save room..."

What kind of "Foodie" would I be without a good food story? :)


As I sit thinking about responsibility, getting older and both my age and the responsibilities seem to grow proportionately, I am wondering why it is so difficult to have faith that all things are possible?  The normal answer when someone asks what faith is usually includes an answer that includes "believing in something you cannot see...", "it's like sitting in a chair..." or my favorite, "you just know...".  While I completely understand the definition of anything that is so personal and yet untouchable, should be difficult to explain.  Maybe that's why they say we "live by faith...setting an example".


My point here, however, is not so much the definition, but why it is so hard to have faith?  I believe there can be miracles...I actually believe there are miracles every day, we have just become numb them and take them for granted.  Anyone seen a sunrise lately?  Been to the ocean, or just looked up at the Fall sky and surveyed the incredible beauty of how small we really are?  These are the easy miracles.  Each of us has a miracle in our lives...almost daily, if we really look.  So why can't we have faith??


Easy answer, it is so ambiguous...


Sure, I believe, but bad things happen even if I have faith.  Why leave my conscious understanding of the world and be caught with my guard down when everything hits the fan.  Global warming, bullies at school and work, drunk parents, sick family members, war, famine, poorly run government, terrorism...where does my faith get me with all of these tangible threats?  Daily I hear that we are ruining the world we live in and that natural and man-made disaster is around the corner.  Neighbors, news outlets and people on the street all say the economy and the general state of the world has never been worse, until tomorrow where it will certainly decline to new lows.


Amazingly, through this review of reasons for the lack of ability to have faith, I have found faith is not lost, but rather mis-guided...


If it is so hard to have faith there is a God that loves us unconditionally and wants what's best for us, why is it so easy to believe every person in a different wardrobe is out to get us?  Why can we embrace the worst in people though we have never met them?  How can we have faith the world is on the way down and the people have nothing but despair and suffering to look forward to each day when we can take time to see those miracles?  We have placed our faith in what the stranger on a plane tells us, rather than a God that loves us.  


I am reminded of when my kids were younger and out to dinner with us.  Of course there were vegetables involved and without fail, once the chicken and macaroni and cheese were gone, with nothing left but green beans, my sons were full.  "Sorry Dad, I just cannot eat any more...I am too full".  My response was firm at first, eat the vegetables and if you throw them up, I will apologize.  That only works if you do not put the "puke" idea in their heads...you do apologize, by the way.  My next approach applies more to the current discussion...


When the pleas for mercy began, I simply accepted their refusal to eat the vegetables.  The sense of relief was evident and they were able to enjoy the family time without the pressure of learning the benefits of a balanced diet.  When my wife and I finished our meal and the waiter came by to clear plates, there was the typical, "Did you save room for dessert?", to which I resolutely responded, "Absolutely, but just for my wife and me, the boys are too full." I then went on to enjoy, and sometimes suffer through, my dessert as the boys watched with significantly more pain than the vegetables offered them.  This process only occurred a few times before the message was burned into their brains...we do not make up excuses to avoid the tough stuff.  When we struggle, there is a blessing at the end.


No one is foolish enough to believe the times we are experiencing are easy.  Unemployment, natural disasters, war and the unavoidable consequences of living in a society that has believed it is "above it all", can be a terrifying environment.  The God that loves us unconditionally is sitting at the table and reminding us that vegetables are good for us.  Yes, that is over-simplified and gives a strong argument to "the wisdom of man (being) folly...", but are there not "vegetables" for all of us?  We find it so easy to believe those vegetables will be the death of us, but forget the dessert that awaits us all if we have the faith to stop "faking" the fullness of the world.  "I am sorry God, but I am so full of remorse and fear, there is no room for faith"; "Really, I am going to puke if I have to believe everything is under control"; "God, you don't understand, it's just too much!"...


How silly will we look when dessert comes?  Believe me, heaven is the best dessert ever...worth every "vegetable" this world can throw at you!  Funny how we don't change much from when we were kids.  We still want the dessert without the balance of the vegetables.  How much sweeter is dessert when it is getting rid of the broccoli taste!


I know the pursuit of a more faith-filled life is not going to be easy, and surely the challenges will be tough, but I know I will make it.  I have faith.